"You f*cked up"

So one of the major tests needed to diagnose colitis is a colonoscopy. You know, the lovely camera shoved up into a very intimate place. Well, without getting into gory details, I'll fill you guys in on why this actually sucks and there should be a better method for testing and checking out your intestines.

You start out by getting this powder that you have to mix into four liters of water. It smells a little funky, but there are worse smells; the green cart on a hot summers day; one year old baby diapers; cat vomit; and that soy factory near the old Lakeport factory. But this powder has a taste worse than its smell.

I don't quite know how to describe this taste. It's a sour and salty taste. Chemically too. I once accidentally got shampoo in my mouth and it tasted so bad I vomited it up. The colonoscopy prep tastes like salty shampoo pretty much. It's brutal. They suggest that you mix it with flavouring like Crystal Light or Mio. Well we didn't exactly have that on hand. So stupid me just drank it as is.

I'd also like to point out that my lovely boyfriend was there that night. He not only came over knowing I had to drink a bunch of nasty liquid to thoroughly cleanse my colon, but he spent the night to make sure I was okay. He's totally a keeper. Men, take a note on how to show your ladies love.

So after the first glass of the nasty liquid I began gagging. By the fifth glass I was about to puke. My poor tongue had never tasted something like that before. Even pouring lime cordial, courtesy from my mom's friend who rented the basement, did not help at all. In fact, it made it worse. I didn't see how I could finish the liquid.

So that's when the darling boyfriend came up with a brilliant idea. You're not allowed to eat solid foods, but you can have pickle juice. I'd quickly chug down a glass of the nasty juice, and Ryan would give me a piece of pickle to suck on and chew a bit. This killed the aftertaste and made the task a little more bearable. So with his help, I did manage to finish the nasty prep.

After a brutally long night, most of it in the bathroom, my colon was cleansed and I was ready to go to the hospital. Ready to not only have a colonoscopy, but also an endoscopy.

Before everything  they hook you up to an IV and get you relaxed. That part isn't so bad, enjoyable even. They even numb your throat with a nice spray. The spray tastes like the way hot batteries smell. It's an acidic metallic taste. If you've ever had braces (and I have) and accidentally had tinfoil in your food you'll know the taste.

I'm sorry to digress, but I do have to point out about my bad teeth. I have a smaller jaw and too many teeth. It's a curse. I've had my fair share of dental surgeries, all being put under full sedation. I've become used to sedation. So now, being sedated for the scoping, my body was already used to it.

So back to the scope jobs. I had fallen asleep and the endoscopy went fairly well I assume. I slept through that one. The colonoscopy did not go well.

I remember feeling pressure in my gut. It was a heavy pressure and it hurt. In fact, it really hurt. I began to try to speak and ask what was wrong. I remember opening my eyes and still being in the room and the doctors were around me. I tried to move away from the pain. I started to whine and try to speak. I was awake. Prematurely awake.

After a few minutes the nurse began to notice I was awake, She tried telling me to calm down and the began pushing more drugs. I quickly faded back to sleep.

I start to come to in a lumpy bed and realize I must be in recovery. I hear the nurse tell my mom they had a slight problem and had to give me extra sedation and to expect me to be asleep for as long as another hour. Well, clearly they underestimated my body again.

I groggily pull myself up and stare at the nurse. I open my mouth and spit out "you f*cked up". And yes, they really did.